Mermaid or Whale?

I know, I know. Those lame e-mail forwards, right?! Well, this one found its way to my inbox and I knew I had to share it with you all. I don’t know who wrote this anecdote (and I searched Google for like 20 minutes), so if you do know, please let me know.

Recently, in a large French city, a poster featuring a young, thin and tanned woman appeared in the window of a gym.

It said: “This summer do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?

A middle aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the gym.

To Whom It May Concern:

Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans). They have an active sex life, they get pregnant and have adorable baby whales. They have a wonderful time with dolphins, stuffing themselves with shrimp. They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like Patagonia, the Barren Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia. Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs.

They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans. They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world.

Mermaids don’t exist. If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the offices of Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis. Fish or human? They don’t have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them, not to mention how could they have sex?  Therefore they don’t have kids either. Not to mention, who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fish store?

The choice is perfectly clear to me; I want to be a whale.

PS: We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver and a coffee with my friends. With time we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room it distributes out to the rest of our bodies.  So we aren’t heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy. Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, “Good gosh, look how smart I am!”

Perhaps this is where the term “smartass” came from?

Gym humiliation: I’ll have what she’s having

We’ve all had them. A slip. A fall. A trip. A drop. An inopportune fart. A wardrobe malfunction. But when you’re at the gym, these embarrassing moments can be amplified in severity because you are surrounded by people you don’t know.

Check out my latest post over at FitMilwaukee.com. I promise you will laugh. If you don’t, well, you suck.

You have to visit FitMilwaukee to see my favorite story (titled I’ll have what she’s having)… but the one below is a close second:

Is that a roll of quarters in your pocket?

I was working out commando because it was laundry day. I wore cheap shorts that slide around a lot. I decided to do crunches on a balance ball. As I was sitting on it, I started to slip off the ball because of the slippery nylon shorts.
Because I was in the middle of my sets, I didn’t want to stop.
I failed to realize as I was sliding down the ball, the leg of my shorts was sliding up. Way up. Like ALL THE WAY up.
“Is it locker room cold in here or is it just me?”

~J.