Trying to stay positive in a sea of setbacks

Knee. Ankle. Knee. Foot. Ankle. Foot. Shoulder. Foot. Knee. Foot. Foot. Rib. Foot.

I have had so many setbacks in my training and journey to health. It seems like each time I take one step forward, something sets me two steps back.

I have worked hard to not let this affect me but, to be honest, it tears me up. I’ve tried to put up a strong front. I’ve tried to be nonchalant about it all. I’ve had some moments of public disappointment about my injuries and setbacks. Mostly, I’ve tried to convince myself it was ok.

Truthfully, it’s been blow after blow after blow, both physically and mentally.

It’s draining to stay positive when all you want to do is ask God, “Why does this keep happening to me? Why do I keep having injuries? Why do I have to be so freaking cautious in my training? Why is it easy for everyone else to train without setbacks?”

I’ve tried to be strong. I’ve tried to set a good example for others who say they are inspired by me. I don’t want to let them down. I don’t want to let you down.

But it’s all a lie.

It sucks.

From knee problems and a sprained foot/ankle to plantar fasciitis and a subluxated rib, I’m sick of it. I’m sick of it all.

I am sick of being excited about an accomplishment, only to a short time later have to pull back.

I want to run. I want to run far. I want to run fast. I want to be the best. I want to compete. I want to race.

I don’t want to be the last to finish. In fact, I don’t want to be anywhere near the back of the pack.

But that’s where I am.

Why can’t I be happy with where I’m at? Why am I constantly comparing myself to others who’ve been at this so much longer than I have? Why can’t I be happy, knowing that I have completed a half marathon, instead of being disappointed I walked more than 10 miles of it?

Why does it kill me to know — that despite my hopes, my prayers, my careful and smart training post Napa and during training for Vegas — that there’s no way I will be able to run a full 13.1 miles in 11 weeks? That was the plan all along. Just finish the race in Napa. Then run the hell outta Vegas. I’m 11 weeks from the race and the furthest I’ve gone is 3.8 miles, and that was mostly walking. Yesterday I ran for a mile without walking, and while I’m so freaking happy about that, the accomplishment is clouded by the knowledge that I can’t keep that pace going for more than a mile.

I know I need to focus on the positive, but I’m tired of focusing on that. I need to vent. I need to cry.

I’m trying to be smart. I’m trying not to push myself too hard. I’m trying to listen to my body. I’m trying to listen to my trainer. I’m trying to listen to my coaches. I’m trying to be positive.

I’m trying.

Checking up, slowing down and a wardrobe malfunction

On Friday, I had a checkup with Dr. H. regarding my myriad of health issues. First, I talked with Nurse Debbie. I was bursting to tell her I lost almost 11 pounds. She was SOOO excited for me! She asked what I was doing and I said I was exercising and eating less. I made sure to point out that I’m not cutting anything completely from my diet, just eating smaller amounts of food. She agreed this is probably the best way for me to lose weight.

Pulse was good. Blood pressure was… (insert fanfare) 136/86. Still not great, but down from 149/92 in December! SCORE.

I also told Debbie about my plan to do a 5k in April and a half-marathon in July. I even told her about my breakthrough C25k moment last week. I also told her about something that happened during that run/walk that I didn’t share with y’all. I had a wardrobe malfunction. I was about 12 min into the intervals on the treadmill when I felt a li’l drafty. Figured it must be because I was running oh-so-fast. Then I did a “pants check.” Yep. Sure enough, my pants fell below my bootay. Luckily, I was wearing a long shirt and *hopefully* no one saw too much of my underwear. I quickly pulled my pants up. I hope I didn’t scar anyone for life. Nurse Debbie started laughing so hard her eyes began to water. She said she felt bad about laughing but it was too funny. I assured her I didn’t mind if she laughed… I’ve been laughing about it all week.

So then Dr. H. came in and we had a really good talk (20+ min) about everything. I told her about the 5k, half-marathon and this blog. She was so happy I’ve lost weight. “I’m impressed,” she said when she realized I had lost almost 11 pounds in just 6 weeks. Dr. H. laughed about the wardrobe malfunction and said she definitely thought I could walk a half marathon in July. YES!

Dr. H. was very happy to see my blood pressure had dropped and attributed that to my exercising. She said that hopefully in a few months, it will be back down to normal! I’m so happy I don’t have to go on meds!

I went to the lab to have some blood drawn to check my Thyroid levels and my TSH was down to 5.24 (from 10.2 in December). She upped my meds slightly and hopefully the increase will help regulate my levels enough that I don’t need to up them anymore. I started the higher dose Saturday and haven’t noticed a difference just yet. Soon, I hope! My iron counts were good, so I don’t have to increase that.

The results from the sleep apnea link test I took earlier this month came in last week. I wasn’t in the “normal” range, but I wasn’t in the “grossly abnormal” stage either. Basically, that means I have to do a sleep study at the hospital. THAT should be a blast. I hardly slept with the apnea link, I can’t imagine how I’ll sleep with even more stuff hooked up to me and a video camera watching me sleep. I just might make an obscene gesture or two, to make sure they’re paying attention.

I also talked with Dr. H. about my knee pain, telling her I think it’s just weak from not working out and maybe I aggravated some scar tissue from the surgery I had when I was 18. She said if the pain wasn’t stabbing/short, I was probably right. So I’m gonna work on strengthening my calves/quads/hamstrings plus hip abductors/adductors and hope that helps righty out. Acupuncture is actually helping quite a bit, so hopefully the combination of the above with the new brace I ordered I will be able to continue C25k training next week. I’ve decided that I’m taking this week off, and focusing on the strength training and will just do walking and/or biking for cardio.

Reminder:  I’m selling coffee to raise money for Crohn’s and Colitis research!

One size does not fit all

I decided to get a knee brace to help support my knee when I work out. I went to Walgreens and there were a few options. The “sleeve” looking ones looked like they would cut off circulation to my calves so I opted to purchase the adjustable one. The box said “One Size” … as in “One size fits all.” I think it would fit my elbow. NOT my knee.

Are there options out there for people with fat thighs and fat calves? If anyone needs knee support, it’s people like me who weigh 267 pounds. That’s a lot of stress on the ol’ knee.

Jack@sses.

Target’s options weren’t any better. I bought some ace bandages, hoping they would give me good support when I go for walks or do cardio… but I really want a brace or other type of support. Any suggestions?

My workout tools and my aching knees

Here’s what I’m using right now – my brand new Asics Gel Kushon 2 running shoes, Jillian Michaels’ 30 Day shred DVD, a yoga mat and a pair of 2 lb free weights.

I just got the shoes yesterday at Kohl’s. Already I can feel a difference… the gel cushioning is great for shock absorption, which, let’s be honest… when you weigh 267 and you’re jumping around, there’s BOUND to be some stress to the knees and ankles. I’m hoping that these shoes will help alleviate some of that stress, because my knees are killing me.

I thought that a day of rest would help, but it didn’t. I tried just walking the past 2 days, but it hasn’t gotten better. I’m sure that standing for four hours on cement at the Pettitt didn’t help, but seriously, WTH.

I’ve been using biofreeze and that helps, but I’m not sure what else to do. Do I rest another day? Do I push through it?

I’m sure they just hurt because I haven’t worked out in so long and carrying around 267 pounds can’t be easy.

Le sigh.

Ok, enough complaining. Today I did day 6 of the shred and it was ok. I haven’t done the shred since Wednesday, so I feel like I went backwards a li’l bit. I will have to be more diligent with it to complete my 30 day shred challenge.

I’ve been doing pretty well as far as my diet goes… Friday night I went to Comet Cafe with my sis and I got the Baked Chili Mac… which was ahhh-mazing (see below). I ate less than half of it and felt sick the rest of the night. Lesson learned.