Do as I say, not as I do

I’ve been struggling with something for awhile now and I can’t keep it bottled up anymore. I’ve tried to be upbeat and positive about this whole sprained foot fiasco. Oh wait, you don’t know about this do you?

Yeah, that’s right. I never blogged about it. Why? Well, I kept putting it off… and off… and off… until I started getting bitter today about he whole thing. Sure, I tweeted about it and made posts on DailyMile, but I never really blogged about how it made me feel. Here goes.

I was scared.

My left foot pain is getting worse, not better. I’m so scared something is wrong that will knock me out of training for Napa. Please send some healing thoughts/prayers my way. Pretty sure I’ll be going to the doctor today. 🙁

I was relieved.

FOOT UPDATE: It’s a sprain of sorts. I have to take it easy and I should be able to still run/walk the Wine Country Half Marathon. Basically, taper is starting a week early. 🙁

I was sad.

feeling like I won’t get to RUN a 5k… ever. #jth says I can jog or walk SLOWLY on thurs. #fitmke #sadmke

I was bitter.

all of you running the storm the bastille tomorrow can suck it.#bitter #sadface #norunningtilnapa

Last month, I had to “take it easy” for the Great Milwaukee Race. I wasn’t supposed to run. But, I didn’t want to let my teammates down so I ran a bit (this was before I knew the foot was sprained). Then I had my long build-up run/walks for training for the half marathon. I did 8 miles… then almost 9… then just over 10 miles. All on a sprained foot. Yep. I am pretty badass. Or stubborn. One of the two.

Luckily, the diagnosis came a week before my taper was to begin, so instead of doing my last long run/walk of 12 miles… I started taking it easy and tapering back early. On the one hand, awesome. On the other, crap.

I had a “come to Jesus” conversation with my trainer via text message the day I went to the doctor. Here’s how it went:

Me: This sucks.

John: Why? It will be fine!

Me: Because I want to do it all 🙁

John: U will just not this week, u wanna be fit for life, not just a couple of months, right?

Me: Yeah. You’re right. I know I need to listen I just don’t want to. Haven’t had an “easy” week since I began training for the half

John: That could be part of the reason u are hurt at the moment.

Me: Prolly. Guess I’m just afraid of going back to my old routine of nothing. Know what I mean?

John: I will drag ur punk ass out of ur house and make u workout if u do!

Me: Deal.

I have tried to accept the fact that I had to stop running. I have tried to accept the fact that I had to drop out of a 5k two weeks ago. I have tried (and failed) to accept the fact that I can’t run the Storm the Bastille 5k tomorrow. This race is especially hard for me to miss because back when I decided to start this journey, my goal race was to run the Storm the Bastille on July 8. Sure, I am freaking doing a half marathon next week, but I can’t help but feel like a complete failure. My one, measly goal – Run the Storm the Bastille – #amyfail. Yes, my goals have changed. I can do 3.1 miles in my sleep. But I haven’t actually RAN a full 5k yet. This has been a psychological barrier for me and I have been eagerly anticipating the chance to show myself I can RUN a 5k.

Then there’s this whole all-these-people-donated-money-for-charity-because-I-said-I-would-do-a-half-marathon-and-I-went-and-overdid-things-and-may-have-put-the-whole-race-at-risk factor. Yup. I’m doing this whole get healthy journey for me. And I am worried about what my family and friends will think if I fail miserably next weekend. When I started training, my goal was to be at a solid 15 minute mile pace (4mph). I’m quite certain if I was able to run more, I would have no problem maintaining this pace. However, due to all of my training setbacks (including the knee problems a few months ago), I have been logging a solid 16:30-17:30 walking pace. So now, my new time goal is in the 3:30-4:00 range. I know I shouldn’t compare myself to others… but I have friends who are in the sub-4:00 MARATHON time range. And I’m just praying I can do a sub-4:00 HALF MARATHON. It’s a kick to the ol’ ego, that’s for sure.

I need to stop putting myself through this, but I can’t help it. There was a time (just months ago), where I couldn’t understand why some of my friends were working out ALL the time. They were running 7-8 miles FOR FUN. My idea of a good time was ordering a pizza, drinking a 6-pack of beer and watching basic cable Law & Order: SVU marathons. My idea of a good time was certainly not training for a HALF MARATHON. SVU Marathons are much more entertaining.  Now, ordering a pizza, drinking beer and watching SVU Marathons is still high on my list of fun times… but the times I’ve been able to run – actually RUN – I can’t describe the feeling as anything short of euphoric. It’s amazing what the human body is capable of. And I know mine is capable of running.

I know I need to listen to my trainer, my coach, my doctors… but I can’t help feeling like I’m a failure. I feel like giving up. I feel like putting on my fat pants. I feel like burying my sorrow in peanut butter M&Ms, fruity cocktails, microbrews, high-carb, high-fat meals… (and trust me, I have done this in recent weeks). But I know that is giving in. I can’t fall back to the old Amy. I can’t let the old fat girl win. The new fat girl is so much more fun. She feels better. She can walk up flights of stairs without losing her breath. She is 10 days away from completing a half marathon (at 250 lbs, none the less). She needs to get over herself, put on her big-girl underwear and stop being such a baby.

I guess what I’m trying to say is… don’t be stupid like I’ve been. Be smart. Accept your setbacks. Grow a pair.

0 Replies to “Do as I say, not as I do”

  1. Amy,
    If you put on your fat pants, they will fall off and then you will be hanging out in your undies. You can’t do that anymore. When your foot is healed, you can help me do a 5k RUNNING the whole thing. I usually crap out at mile 1, take a long walk, then run a bit more at the end. New goal, encourage Becky to not be such a loser!
    you are great. you will cross the finish and get an awesome medal. You can run the next one!

  2. This post struck a nerve for me. I have been in similar shoes as yours. Starting last October I trained for the Green Bay Marathon on May 16, 2010. My plan all along was to walk it. And I told myself I’d be happy with whatever happened because no matter how far I made it or how fast I went, I was DOING it. I lied to myself. I wasn’t happy with whatever happened. About mile 15 the “YOU-CAN’T-DO-THIS-MONSTER-AND-YOU’RE-FAT-AND-UGLY” monster would not let up! (Funny how that monster can’t just say “you can’t do it”, it has to add insult to injury with the whole fat & ugly part – geesh!) Despite the protests of my entire being, I finished the marathon; only due to my bestest friend who was walking with me & the group of friends who drove to Green Bay just to watch me do this. I did not, however, finish within the 7 hour time limit. I could not maintain the 16 min/mile pace that was required. And I still struggle with feeling like I didn’t REALLY walk a marathon.

    Push through your funk & it will help me & others push through our own funks. Go & kick that half-marathon’s @$$. You’ll be doing more than the Old Amy ever would & you’ll be doing more than a crap load of other “skinny” people will be doing or will ever do!

  3. Oh Amy I love how completely honest you are on your blog. It must be SO hard to be surrounded by people who run 13.1 “for fun” and I know you want to get there too and waiting sucks balls. Please realize hat you are doing is so much harder than what I had to do to get to where I am. I am constantly amazed and proud of you!

    Plus, I think eating pizza and watching SVU marathons is totally fun. (Just don’t do it every night!)

  4. Amy, I truly feel your pain, I mentioned some of my frustrations about my fitness progress last night. And I have a confession to make: I’m jealous of you. Like stupid, immature jealous. You may not be hitting those milestones you originally set out for yourself, but you’re progressing in different ways. Ways that I can’t fathom and with a determination that I’m scared I don’t have.

    Thank you so much for writing this. It makes me realize that every step we take, every decision we make, even if it’s not in the timeframe we were hoping for, is a success. We’re doing what we should be doing even if it’s hard or frustrating or different than we planned.

  5. I know this post is a year old and you are out of the funk already. But I find that when I’m in a fat funk if I do put on my fat jeans again, it makes me feel better. I like hanging out in pants that are huge and feeling uber skinny. It makes me not want to eat. I think I’m gonna find a pair now….

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