A walk down skinny lane… and fatty place

First, we begin with some cuteness overload.

That’s me and my first dog Sammy, circa 1985. Wasn’t I a cute li’l kid?

Moving on… I was looking through some old photos from high school that had been posted on Facebook and couldn’t help but think, wow, that was ME.

In the Photo #1 below, I was probably about 130-140. I think this was freshman or sophomore year of high school. I was thin, but not real thin. I’ve never been “that” girl. My friends were always smaller than me and I felt self-conscious all the time. I thought there was something wrong with me because I wasn’t as thin as the others.

The next three photos are from my senior year of high school. Photo #2 was my costume for the play and looking at this photo now, I yearn to be that size again. But in 2000, I hated that I was a 12/13 and the other girls were 2s, 4s, 6s, 8s, whatever. It didn’t matter that I was at a good weight for my height (I probably could have lost a few pounds, but still, I looked GOOD). I just didn’t think I looked good. I’m guessing that in these three photos, I weighed in the 165-180 range, but if you asked me, I would have said 145 or 150.

Photo #3 was my show choir dress senior year. Yes, show choir like GLEE. I was that girl. 🙂 But I was also one of the biggest girls in the choir. Sure, I had the biggest boobs too, but that didn’t matter. I was always the biggest. I was never paired up for songs where the guys had to lift up a girl. See me standing on that box? I was a “wallflower.” Not good enough to be in the front. I sometimes thought this was because of my size.

Photo #4 is when I had a huge solo as Dorothy at our spring concert. Again, I was bigger than some of the other girls and suspected that the only reason I was chosen as Dorothy was because of my long dark hair. I struggled with self esteem issues back then, even when I was absolutely beautiful. I mean, look at these photos. I was a healthy, young girl. But I thought I was fat because I wasn’t the same size as everyone else. I wasn’t fat by any means.

As I change my life… I look back at this time with shame. I also wonder, if I thought I was so fat back then, what would the 17-year-old Amy say of me now? She’d probably die of heartache.

Sidenote: how did this girl not have a serious boyfriend in high school? I mean, really. WTH. More on my love life in a future post.

As I got older and drowned my sorrows in food, I started to learn some fat girl tricks. Fat girls, you know what I’m talking about. When someone wants to take your picture, you find a way to block the fat – by whatever means possible. It could be a table, bag, book, scarf or even your friends. I don’t know why I thought these little tricks would work. People know you’re fat. You can’t hide it… so why do we try? The worst part about all of these photos? I probably weighed 210-240 in them. That’s more than 25 pounds LESS than I weigh now. I would die to wear those “fat” jeans again. A size 16 or whatever they are would be a dream come true right now.

So, there you have it… the good… the bad… and the ugly. I kid, a li’l bit anyways. I don’t think I’m ugly. I do think I’m pretty (or at least I have some good features). Gosh, if I was both fat AND ugly, there’d really be no reason to change anything. Ok, I’m not really that shallow, but you know what I mean. Looking back and seeing what I was… and looking and seeing what I’ve become is a huge wakeup call. I don’t want to let the 1998 Amy down. She never thought that she would gain more than 100 pounds in 12 years. She had bigger dreams for herself.  It’s time to make those come true.

0 Replies to “A walk down skinny lane… and fatty place”

  1. I think you look amazing in all those photos, and I think you are being too hard on yourself in the last few captions. I truly understand the point you’re making and I love you for being honest with yourself, but know that there is nothing wrong with you right now or then. You look beautiful next to Ryan Braun and Yovanni Gallardo, and the scarf is a piece of your personality. Your graduation photo should be a wonderful memory for you, don’t cloud it by worrying about the ‘fat girl move’. I get what you’re saying… I just want you to see that you didn’t ‘wait to live’ just because you thought you were fat. You were out there doing amazing things and living life and exploring your talents and having fun with your friends. There’s nothing wrong with being overweight. This quote really resonated with me: “I was a healthy, young girl. But I thought I was fat because I wasn’t the same size as everyone else. I wasn’t fat by any means.” — Think of how that still applies to you today, as you move forward in your healthy lifestyle, still living fully. Oh, and remember this: you’re gorgeous. 🙂

  2. @Anne: Anne you got me all choked up. I have done some amazing things in my life, but I always felt like these things were clouded by fat. It’s an issue I’m working to overcome (thank God for my therapist :)). Thank you for your kind words. It means more than you know.

  3. After spending the weekend w/ a bunch of high school girls and listening to them call themselves “fat” (I can’t even use the word w/o quotes in regards to them), talking about their butts, stomachs, and thighs, I couldn’t help but remember doing that myself in high school…and how, now, quite a bit heavier – I’d give anything to be that “fat” high school girl!

    But remember – you’re on the path to getting it back! Here’s to our 30’s looking back and saying, Ugh! Thank god I don’t look like I did in my late 20’s?

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