“There’s a chance you have cancer but I don’t want to speculate until we know more.”

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“But don’t worry. Even if it is cancer, you’ve probably had it for months or years – waiting a few weeks for a biopsy isn’t a big deal. This cancer grows slowly.”

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Let’s back up.

I started noticing some difficulty swallowing in late spring. I felt like I had a lump in my throat – like when you have a cold – only I didn’t have a cold. My sinuses, ears and lungs were fine. I just had a sore throat and didn’t feel like I was running at 100%.

I couldn’t take my morning pills and vitamins all in one gulp of water like I used to. I actually choked on my medication a couple of times.

I felt like something was wrong, but I wasn’t ready to deal with it. June was going to be crazy – I was moving across town, my brother was getting married and I had a three-day sorority conference out of state.

I told myself that if I still felt off after I had gotten through my move, the wedding and the conference, that I’d get in to see my doctor.

On June 29, I saw my primary doctor. I told her that I felt like there was a fullness in my throat/neck and that I was concerned that there was something wrong with my thyroid. I’ve had hypothyroidism for almost six years and I am able to recognize the symptoms when I’m having a flare up. This seemed more than a flare up.

My doctor examined me and said it did feel like my thyroid was enlarged on the right side. She recommended I have an ultrasound to rule out any problems. She also ordered a blood test to see if my TSH counts were off. My counts were off, so she increased my meds again.

I had an ultrasound the following week. I was very nervous but the technician was really nice – even though it felt like I was suffocating as she pressed the ultrasound wand into my neck to get images of my thyroid. I was told that I would get the results in a few days.

I left the hospital nervous, but figured I wouldn’t worry about it until the results were in. I went and got my nails done and was headed home when my phone rang. It was my doctor’s nurse. Just 90 minutes after I left the hospital they were already calling with results.

The nurse said I had multiple nodules on my thyroid and that my doctor was giving me a referral to an endocrinologist. I was transferred to the specialty area to make an appointment.

I made an appointment (but couldn’t get in until August 19) and asked to be put on a wait list. I followed up with a friend who works at the medical college (and whose dad is a retired ER doc). My friend spoke to colleagues who recommended I make an appointment with one of the endocrinologists there (who happens to specialize in nodules and thyroid cancer). A friend’s younger sister who had thyroid cancer seven years ago also recommended this doctor so I called to make an appointment but I couldn’t get in to see him until September 28. I am also on his wait list.

I wasn’t handling this well – that i had all these nodules and I had to wait so long to even have a consultation. Meanwhile, the fullness in my throat is getting worse and every week i notice another head/neck position that makes me hyper-aware of these nodules.

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The next week, I got a call from the guy my doctor recommended – there was a cancellation and they got me in for an appointment. Dr. S. did an exam and asked me lots of questions. He said that my thyroid is very damaged and that the damage is irreversible. It’s enlarged all over with multiple nodules on the right side and there’s one on the left side that is 1.7cm. He said this one is suspicious – partially because of its size, but also because it’s by itself. He also said my personal health history as well as family history (aunt had thyroid cancer a few years ago and my grandpa had half of his thyroid removed a decade ago due to suspicious nodules) combined add to the suspicion.

The doctor said that it could be cancerous but he didn’t want to speculate until we did a biopsy. But he said the “C” word and I didn’t hear much else he said after that.

I do remember him saying that depending on the test results, we may take a variety of treatment paths: Surgery, additional biopsies on the other nodules, ultrasounds and close monitoring every six months.

I had a FNAB (Fine Needle Aspiration Biopsy) yesterday. Guided by an ultrasound, the doctor inserted 25 gauge needles into the nodule and removed tissue. Four times. (For comparison, blood donation uses 16 or 17 gauge needles).

The first two biopsies were unpleasant but bearable. The last two were so painful. No anesthesia at all. My neck/throat hurt a lot when I left the clinic. Obviously after leaving, I got a frappuccino and went to acupuncture because my anxiety is through the roof and when you have giant needles shoved in your throat the obvious next step is to jab a bunch of needles all over your body.

The last seven weeks have been torture. My anxiety is getting out of control. I’m trying everything to remain calm.

I feel the nodules every time I swallow. Every time I turn my head. I frequently have a sore throat or hoarse voice.

On top of that, despite the increase in dosage, I am still suffering the effects of a prolonged hypothyroid flareup. I am exhausted. All.The.Time.

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It takes all I have to get through the work day. I come home and crash. On weekends, I wake up around 6 a.m. and then take my first nap around 9 a.m. Yes, I said first nap. I nap all day.

I even stayed home from work today because I’m just so tired. And my neck is sore. And my voice is hoarse. And my neck is swollen. And I just can’t.

I am working on the anxiety, thanks in part to acupuncture, essential oils/baths, prayers and meditation. But the chronic exhaustion is taking it’s toll on me mentally and physically.

The next few days will be torture as I try to get through the day while worrying about when I will receive a call from a doctor telling me if I have cancer or not. Or if things are suspicious and surgery is recommended for further investigation. It’s all nerve-racking.

Please keep me in your prayers. Send your positive thoughts and wishes for strength and faith that I can get through this.

Please also send ice cream. Preferably this:

Photo: LauraLeeMarx
Photo: LauraLeeMarx

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Weigh In Wednesday and other musings

Not much to report on the weigh-in this week. I was -0.2, which is really nothing at all. I’m ok with it. I’m surprised that I’m so ok with it. Usually, I would be upset about something like this, but I know that I had a big loss last week and I didn’t work out as much this week, so it makes sense. I also had some food splurges (though not as bad as it could have been) so I’m really happy that I basically stayed the same this week. It is just pushing me to work harder this next week. I can do it. I will do it.

My knee isn’t bothering me as much anymore, but I’m also trying to modify my exercises to accommodate it. I’m not doing the higher impact circuits on the 30 day shred, and am focusing on ones that will still get my heart rate up, but won’t irritate the ol’ knee.

This is the knee I had surgery on almost 9 years ago. It’s always been a little beyotch. Right now it’s really more of a dull ache or feels stiff. Totally manageable. I’m going to look for some knee strengthening exercises and some other workout dvds that will be easier on my knee… though I will still do the shred. I love it. I feel good when I do it. I haven’t felt good about myself in a long time, but I feel good about myself when I do this workout. I can feel the changes in my body… even if the scale didn’t show it this week, I know I’m making progress. Next week I will be taking measurements again, so we’ll see what kind of changes I have there. Can’t wait!

Now, on to my health… which is becoming a huge part of this blog, and for good reason. It is my poor health that was a kick in the pants for me to change my life.

So, some fun things to share (as if what I shared yesterday wasn’t enough).

  • Had an appointment with my neurologist (Dr. V) today because of my increased headaches lately. The appointment was… interesting. He asked if I had been stressed lately and I started laughing. “Yes doc, I’ve been crazy stressed lately.” He asked what was stressing me and I explained about a situation I’ve been dealing with for the past few weeks that has really stressed me out… plus, I was just told last month that I’m anemic, have hypothyroidism and they need to monitor my blood pressure. What’s NOT stressful about that? Since my headaches started getting worse in November, the month before I was diagnosed with anemia and hypothyroidism, he thought those might have been aggravating my headaches. My headaches are caused my a chemical imbalance in my brain – low levels of serotonin… so my low thyroid levels could be contributing to the problem.
  • Dr. V asked about my sleeping habits and then asked how tall I was… and then proceeded to calculate my BMI… by hand. We’re talking long division folks… He didn’t have a fancy program to calculate it (I knew it was about 40.5 right now), and seriously, there is nothing more horrifying than seeing someone calculate your BMI by hand. I almost threw up to see him crunching those numbers. Then he said, well you’re morbidly obese. Punch. In. The. Gut. I mean, I knew I was fat, I knew I was obese… but MORBIDLY OBESE??? I’d be lying if I told you I didn’t cry when I got to my car. How many times this month am I going to cry in the clinic parking lot? He wanted to figure out my BMI because of how I’ve been sleeping, always being tired, etc… he also thinks I should get tested for sleep apnea. So, two docs in one month tell me I should get tested. I guess I can’t put it off any longer. I will have to find the money for it somewhere.
  • Dr. V is sending me to physical therapy for my neck. He thinks the tightness in my neck might also be contributing to my headaches. So, again, more medical bills. I am really upset about all of this. I have already spent a small fortune in the past 2 months on medical bills, and it’s just going to get worse. I am not handling this all well. I’m scared. I’m worried. I’m stressed. My mom talked me off the ledge cheered me up a bit today by reminding me that I am taking control of the situation. I am eating healthier. I am exercising. I am committed to getting healthy. Where’s my genie y’all? Fairygodmother? Bueller? I know change can’t happen over night, but it sure would be nice, wouldn’t it?
  • I wasn’t afraid to see what the doctor’s scale said about my weight, cuz I knew already. 🙂
  • My blood pressure was 126/82. WTH. Just last week it was 149/96. I don’t know what’s going on, but I was encouraged to see a good reading.

I’ve lost  .2 pounds in the last week and lost 7 pounds in 3 weeks. Want previous stats? Click here.