A walk down skinny lane… and fatty place

First, we begin with some cuteness overload.

That’s me and my first dog Sammy, circa 1985. Wasn’t I a cute li’l kid?

Moving on… I was looking through some old photos from high school that had been posted on Facebook and couldn’t help but think, wow, that was ME.

In the Photo #1 below, I was probably about 130-140. I think this was freshman or sophomore year of high school. I was thin, but not real thin. I’ve never been “that” girl. My friends were always smaller than me and I felt self-conscious all the time. I thought there was something wrong with me because I wasn’t as thin as the others.

The next three photos are from my senior year of high school. Photo #2 was my costume for the play and looking at this photo now, I yearn to be that size again. But in 2000, I hated that I was a 12/13 and the other girls were 2s, 4s, 6s, 8s, whatever. It didn’t matter that I was at a good weight for my height (I probably could have lost a few pounds, but still, I looked GOOD). I just didn’t think I looked good. I’m guessing that in these three photos, I weighed in the 165-180 range, but if you asked me, I would have said 145 or 150.

Photo #3 was my show choir dress senior year. Yes, show choir like GLEE. I was that girl. 🙂 But I was also one of the biggest girls in the choir. Sure, I had the biggest boobs too, but that didn’t matter. I was always the biggest. I was never paired up for songs where the guys had to lift up a girl. See me standing on that box? I was a “wallflower.” Not good enough to be in the front. I sometimes thought this was because of my size.

Photo #4 is when I had a huge solo as Dorothy at our spring concert. Again, I was bigger than some of the other girls and suspected that the only reason I was chosen as Dorothy was because of my long dark hair. I struggled with self esteem issues back then, even when I was absolutely beautiful. I mean, look at these photos. I was a healthy, young girl. But I thought I was fat because I wasn’t the same size as everyone else. I wasn’t fat by any means.

As I change my life… I look back at this time with shame. I also wonder, if I thought I was so fat back then, what would the 17-year-old Amy say of me now? She’d probably die of heartache.

Sidenote: how did this girl not have a serious boyfriend in high school? I mean, really. WTH. More on my love life in a future post.

As I got older and drowned my sorrows in food, I started to learn some fat girl tricks. Fat girls, you know what I’m talking about. When someone wants to take your picture, you find a way to block the fat – by whatever means possible. It could be a table, bag, book, scarf or even your friends. I don’t know why I thought these little tricks would work. People know you’re fat. You can’t hide it… so why do we try? The worst part about all of these photos? I probably weighed 210-240 in them. That’s more than 25 pounds LESS than I weigh now. I would die to wear those “fat” jeans again. A size 16 or whatever they are would be a dream come true right now.

So, there you have it… the good… the bad… and the ugly. I kid, a li’l bit anyways. I don’t think I’m ugly. I do think I’m pretty (or at least I have some good features). Gosh, if I was both fat AND ugly, there’d really be no reason to change anything. Ok, I’m not really that shallow, but you know what I mean. Looking back and seeing what I was… and looking and seeing what I’ve become is a huge wakeup call. I don’t want to let the 1998 Amy down. She never thought that she would gain more than 100 pounds in 12 years. She had bigger dreams for herself.  It’s time to make those come true.

Inspire & Inform: Overeating and sleep

Since I first began this journal one month ago, I have been collecting massive amounts of information and inspiration from across the Internets. I can’t keep all this goodness to myself, so I’m sharing it with all of you.

  • 4 Must-Know Restaurants Secrets: Check out this fabulous article with the four restaurant secrets you need to know, including: Don’t get too excited, start small, remember the server is a salesperson and don’t get supersized. (Via For the love of skinny). Make sure you read the section on bargains – not only will this save you from gaining weight, it will also save your wallet!
  • Catching up on lost sleep a dangerous illusion: According to this article, “people who are chronically sleep-deprived (hmmm, like someone who works at 5am?) may think they’re caught up after a 10-hour night of sleep, but new research shows that although they’re near-normal when they awake, their ability to function deteriorates markedly as night falls.”

Staying up for 24 hours straight is bad enough, but the study shows that if you do that on top of having gotten less than six hours of sleep a night for two to three weeks, your reaction times and abilities are 10 times worse than they would have been just pulling an all-nighter…

…research has shown that staying awake for 24 hours in a row impairs performance on par with legal intoxication with alcohol (for driving), and six hours of sleep per night for two weeks causes a similar level of impairment as staying awake for 24 hours.

  • The Real Reasons We Eat Too Much: The #1 reason on this list is “you don’t sleep enough.” I can attest to that! Working the shift I do (5am-2pm), you often find yourself eating to stay awake. I used to fill myself with unhealthy, high sugar foods at work to keep me from falling asleep. I know this is not the solution. It’s unhealthy to be eating all those processed foods.

Speaking of sleep… today I picked up an apnea link machine from the sleep center at Community Memorial Hospital.

The apnealink is a screening device for sleep disordered breathing. Basically, this li’l ditty can help my doc decide if I’m at risk for obstructive sleep apnoea (OSA). I’ll be sure to take pictures and blog about this experience tomorrow. I can tell you now, I am NOT looking forward to having the tubes in my nose or the stupid machine strapped onto my chest, but whatever. We’ll see what happens.

And now, for your inspiration:

Good news… and bad news

Today was, well, interesting. I had a doctor’s appointment for a checkup and got to talk to her about how I’m trying to change my life. She was very proud of what I’ve done in the past two weeks and even asked, “How did you lose that much in 2 weeks?”

My answer?

“I exercised.”

We both laughed and she replied, “Yeah, well that’ll do it. You’re a step above me!”

I have a long history with my doctor. I have been going to Dr. H. since I was 12; I basically grew up with her. She is my mom and sister’s doctor too, so she totally understands my family and always asks about them when I go for an appointment. She knows I’ve struggled with my weight since my very late teens, and knows I’ve tried every diet in the book (even ones she doesn’t approve of). She’s seen my weight creep up and up and up for the past 8-9 years to where I’m at right now. She doesn’t judge. She is very compassionate and knows what a heartache this is for me. Dr. H. knows about my anxiety issues (and prescribes me Xanax as needed). Bottom line – she is amazing. I can honestly say that not wanting to lose her as my primary care physician has been a thought when I’ve considered moving. I just have a really good connection with her and I know that she genuinely cares about me – this isn’t just a job for her.

But I digress.

(oh, there’s a li’l tmi in the next paragraph: you’ve been warned)

So, today Nurse D. took my blood pressure, to see where I’m at since my physical in December (when it was first documented as being high). Today my blood pressure was 149/96. If you don’t know about blood pressure, I can assure you that is not a good number to see. I had never had even the slightest high blood pressure reading before December 2009. This is all so bizarre. In December, Dr. H. mentioned that the first thing to go if my blood pressure stayed high was the birth control pill. (here’s the tmi) Late in December, she told me to stop taking it, which should make my next “time of the month” a blast. I’ve been on the pill for years to help regulate my lady business. Cramps were out of control and I felt like I was losing gallons of blood. (end tmi)

ANYWAYS, so I went off the pill a few weeks ago in the hopes it would lower my blood pressure, but as you can see from my reading today, it was high again. I am supposed to go back to see Dr. H. in a month for another BP check and if it is still high, I will have to start taking medication. High blood pressure medication at the age of 27. Unreal. I held my shiz together til I got to the car and cried my eyes out. I am TOO young for this. I can’t believe I let myself get this fat. I don’t want to die.

Unfortunately for me, even when I do lose the weight, the high blood pressure problem may continue, as there is a long line of family history of blood pressure issues. My mom and my uncle were both on high blood pressure meds in their early 20s and they were both at very healthy weights when they were diagnosed.

So, I’m scared and upset which I’m sure is not doing anything to help my blood pressure (what a catch-22). My doc said we need to get this taken care of or I could have some major problems ahead of me.

So, there you have it… the good news, the bad news and a li’l tmi.

Putting on a brave face but crying on the inside

Right now I feel like jumping off the bridge anyway.

Source: http://www.flickr.com/photos/dannyman/ / CC BY-NC 2.0

But I won’t. Well not this weekend anyway.

I digress.

Tonight was the #fitmke Weight Loss Challenge kickoff and official weigh-in. And BOY did I weigh in. LIKE WEEEEEIIIIIIGHHH in. Before I post the numbers, I would like to mention the following:

  1. He made me keep my big winter boots on
  2. I’m fat
  3. I was a bit dehydrated (apparently, if you’re not well hydrated, it throws off the body fat % number…)
  4. I’m fat
  5. It was a PM weigh-in and you typically weigh more in the evening (or so I’ve been told)
  6. I’m fat
  7. I have a thyroid condition that has definitely contributed to a massive weight gain over the past year.

That said…. I weighed in at 274.2. Holy !@#($!#$%@$!#*(&! I wanted to cry, but I stayed strong. THEN, I was dragged kicking and screaming had the privilege of getting my body fat percentage taken. It was 45. I am almost HALF FAT. !@#($!@(#$$%&^%^&*%@#$!@#$. But, please keep #3 in mind.

The trainer didn’t take measurements, so I did that when I got home. My sister helped me cuz I could not measure my arms for the life of me.

I’m going to keep track of everything on the Stats page… so if you want to see the damage, click on over. WARNING: content may not be appropriate for the young or faint of heart.

What has this taught me?

I am in need of some SERIOUS changes in my life. Y’all need to keep pushing me, because all I want to do right now is to drown my sorrows in large amounts of alcohol, ice cream and deep fried goodness.

Did I ever mention I’m an emotional eater? Cuz yeah, I am.

I seriously SERIOUSLY want to give up. But I know y’all have my back (all 274.2 pounds of it) and instead, I’m going to steam some veggies. It’s time to say a big ol’ EFFFFF U to the fat.

One more thing. If we’re on a plane and it crashes in the middle of nowhere, I give you permission to eat my fat ass when I die.

Inspiration Board

I am a visual person. I need to see a visual representation of my progress and, well, one of those tickers just won’t do the trick. I’ll still have some type of “scientific” ticker/chart/etc posted here, but I wanted something more pretty for my home.

So, I created an Inspiration Board. It’s a 12×12 inch piece of cardboard I decorated with papers, ribbon, chipboard (and packaging) from Cosmo Cricket‘s Earth Love line, some vintage ribbon and ric rac, some Thickers alphabet stickers, glitter, Pink Paislee brads and some other goodies.

My plan is to add a sparkly gem for every pound I lose and I have li’l chipboard lovlies to represent various milestones (5 lbs, 10lbs, 5%, 10%, etc). And yes, if you see in the images below the li’l butterfly with the “100 lbs – goal” and thought “oh, Amy doesn’t need to lose 100 pounds” well, for 1) I love you. Marry me? and 2) get with the program. I weigh 264 pounds. At least that’s what I did at the beginning of December. If I weigh less than 264 (oh gosh that is painful to type) at the Fit Milwaukee Challenge weigh-in Wednesday, I will give reward myself on the board accordingly. If I weigh more than 264 (oh please God no) then I will readjust my goal weight to whatever 100 less than that number is. Of course when I hit my goal weight, I may change it to a different number, but I’m 5’8″ with broad shoulders and I don’t think much less than 165 would be good for me.

If you’re viewing this blog in a reader, you’ll probably have to click through to the site to see the gallery below.

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