Putting on a brave face but crying on the inside

Right now I feel like jumping off the bridge anyway.


Source: http://www.flickr.com/photos/dannyman/ / CC BY-NC 2.0

But I won’t. Well not this weekend anyway.

I digress.

Tonight was the #fitmke Weight Loss Challenge kickoff and official weigh-in. And BOY did I weigh in. LIKE WEEEEEIIIIIIGHHH in. Before I post the numbers, I would like to mention the following:

  1. He made me keep my big winter boots on
  2. I’m fat
  3. I was a bit dehydrated (apparently, if you’re not well hydrated, it throws off the body fat % number…)
  4. I’m fat
  5. It was a PM weigh-in and you typically weigh more in the evening (or so I’ve been told)
  6. I’m fat
  7. I have a thyroid condition that has definitely contributed to a massive weight gain over the past year.

That said…. I weighed in at 274.2. Holy !@#($!#$%@$!#*(&! I wanted to cry, but I stayed strong. THEN, I was dragged kicking and screaming had the privilege of getting my body fat percentage taken. It was 45. I am almost HALF FAT. !@#($!@(#$$%&^%^&*%@#$!@#$. But, please keep #3 in mind.

The trainer didn’t take measurements, so I did that when I got home. My sister helped me cuz I could not measure my arms for the life of me.

I’m going to keep track of everything on the Stats page… so if you want to see the damage, click on over. WARNING: content may not be appropriate for the young or faint of heart.

What has this taught me?

I am in need of some SERIOUS changes in my life. Y’all need to keep pushing me, because all I want to do right now is to drown my sorrows in large amounts of alcohol, ice cream and deep fried goodness.

Did I ever mention I’m an emotional eater? Cuz yeah, I am.

I seriously SERIOUSLY want to give up. But I know y’all have my back (all 274.2 pounds of it) and instead, I’m going to steam some veggies. It’s time to say a big ol’ EFFFFF U to the fat.

One more thing. If we’re on a plane and it crashes in the middle of nowhere, I give you permission to eat my fat ass when I die.

Inspiration Board

I am a visual person. I need to see a visual representation of my progress and, well, one of those tickers just won’t do the trick. I’ll still have some type of “scientific” ticker/chart/etc posted here, but I wanted something more pretty for my home.

So, I created an Inspiration Board. It’s a 12×12 inch piece of cardboard I decorated with papers, ribbon, chipboard (and packaging) from Cosmo Cricket‘s Earth Love line, some vintage ribbon and ric rac, some Thickers alphabet stickers, glitter, Pink Paislee brads and some other goodies.

My plan is to add a sparkly gem for every pound I lose and I have li’l chipboard lovlies to represent various milestones (5 lbs, 10lbs, 5%, 10%, etc). And yes, if you see in the images below the li’l butterfly with the “100 lbs – goal” and thought “oh, Amy doesn’t need to lose 100 pounds” well, for 1) I love you. Marry me? and 2) get with the program. I weigh 264 pounds. At least that’s what I did at the beginning of December. If I weigh less than 264 (oh gosh that is painful to type) at the Fit Milwaukee Challenge weigh-in Wednesday, I will give reward myself on the board accordingly. If I weigh more than 264 (oh please God no) then I will readjust my goal weight to whatever 100 less than that number is. Of course when I hit my goal weight, I may change it to a different number, but I’m 5’8″ with broad shoulders and I don’t think much less than 165 would be good for me.

If you’re viewing this blog in a reader, you’ll probably have to click through to the site to see the gallery below.

[flagallery gid=2 name=”Gallery”]

Learning to live with hypothyroidism

It’s been about two weeks since I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. My TSH level was a 10.2. The normal range is 0.4-5.0. In a nutshell, the higher this count is, the less your thyroid is doing. From what I’ve read, there are many people with hypothyroidism who don’t have an elevated TSH… but this is often the biggest tipping point to the diagnosis… along with a myriad of symptoms (bold=my symptoms):

  • Poor muscle tone (muscle hypotonia)
  • Fatigue
  • Cold intolerance, increased sensitivity to cold
  • Depression
  • Muscle cramps and joint pain
  • Carpal Tunnel Syndrome
  • Goitre
  • Thin, brittle fingernails
  • Thin, brittle hair
  • Paleness
  • Decreased sweating
  • Dry, itchy skin
  • Weight gain and water retention

And these are just a few of the symptoms… So you can imagine how I’ve been feeling lately… especially if you add in the anemia.

There’s a lot of debate out there over taking drugs like Synthroid or something like a natural dessicated thyroid supplement. Right now I’m taking Synthroid and seeing improvements. I’m not cold all the time anymore and my energy levels are slowly on the rise. If you have any research or information on thyroid treatments, please share in the comments below.

Fit Milwaukee Weight Loss Challenge

Later this week, I’ll be measured and weighed by a trainer from WAC as part of the Fit Milwaukee Weight Loss Challenge. Can you say heart attack? YAY!

I am totally freaking out about it, even though I obviously need to know where I stand… (which is ginormous, so bleh). It needs to be done. I had a physical in December (where I found out about my current health problems) so I know about where I stand weight-wise… just not with the measurements. Luckily, my weight was about 10 lbs or so lower than my highest weight ever (a number I hope I NEVER EVER see again… unless it’s from a slot machine).

I haven’t decided if I want to post the numbers here or not. I’m leading towards yes, as mortifying as that will be. It’s all about accountability.

As for health goals… I plan to give myself little goals along the weigh way along with rewards such as new clothes, a new book, new workout attire and the occasional splurge. Let’s be honest. When you lose weight, you want to reward yourself with a 1500 calorie piece of cheesecake. Am I right people? Be honest and I know you’ll agree. Unless you’re one of those skinny beyotches. And in that case, you can stick it.

I plan to mark the following milestones:

  • weight loss in intervals of 5
  • % of weight loss in intervals of 5
  • inches lost (combined)

And so it begins…

I’ve never been one to make New Year’s resolutions… to me, it’s a bit cliche. Besides, if you want to make a change in your life, why should a day on the calendar dictate when you start? When you’re ready to make the change, make it. JUST DO IT. Waiting “one more day” or “starting Monday” just gives you a crutch to hold on to — holding on to the old habits you’re trying to stop.

And yet, here I am, writing a blog post on New Year’s Day. I disgust myself.

I actually started making some changes a couple of weeks ago, but those were more for health reasons than anything else.

And my health is why I’m doing this.

I’m making a life change, and I need you all to hold me accountable, mmmkay?

Here’s a back story on the health issues I’m dealing with:

Over the past few months, my lack of energy and continual tiredness was attributed to my new work schedule – 5am to 2pm weekdays. Even though I was getting plenty of sleep, I never felt 100%. I could take a 4 hour nap after work, wake up to eat supper and then go back to bed and I was still always tired. Then, the coldness kicked in. I was always cold at work, home and everywhere else. It became the norm for me to keep my scarf, hat and coat on at work… and this was soon joined by a blanket on my lap. My skin always felt warm to the touch to others and I never had a fever. I took my temperature multiple times a day because I was convinced I had some type of infection. Why else would I be so cold so much of the time?

Conversations with family and my Twitter friends led me to wonder if something bigger was going on. Luckily, I already had my yearly physical scheduled for the following week, so I just toughed it out until that appointment.

My doctor confirmed what friends hypothesized – I probably have a thyroid problem. Numerous blood tests later, I found out that not only did I have hypothyroidism (with a TSH count of 10.2, normal is 0.4-5.0), I was also very anemic.

No WONDER I felt like death. Seriously, if I had to guess what death felt like, it would have been how I’ve felt for the last month or so.

Looking back, the symptoms started this summer… but I attributed them all to my work schedule and a changing routine. My symptoms didn’t come on suddenly – I was just ignoring them.

My doctor also suggested I get tested for sleep apnea. Sleep apnea is when you stop breathing when you sleep. Yeah, super scary. My uncle has it and I’ve heard it can run in families. Awesomesauce. Sleep apnea can also be caused by being overweight, which I am. My doctor and I decided to wait to do that testing until I have the thyroid and anemia issues under control. Baby steps.

I also had high blood pressure for the first time ever. I am about the age that my mom and her brothers all went on high blood pressure meds, so I’ve always been closely monitored. My doc thinks it could have been a result of another medication I was on, so she ended up taking me off it. Hopefully that plus weight loss will do the trick.

Can you say scary? All these problems coming at me at once?

Obviously, I need to change my life.

I’m not a skinny girl in a fat girl’s body. I’m a fat girl in a fat girl’s body. I will always be a fat girl, no matter what my outward appearance looks like. I’m an emotional eater. I eat when I’m stressed, depressed, happy. I love rich, tasty food, forget about the calories. Sometimes, it just doesn’t matter.

But now, it does.

I am committing to living a healthier life. I am committing to document my journey by writing this blog. I am committing to losing it without losing me.

I want to lose the bulky weight, the plus-size clothes, the getting-short-of-breath-when-I-walk-up-a-flight-of-stairs. I want to lose it all…. but not lose who I am in the process.

This is where you come in.

Hold me accountable.

Don’t let me lose who I am.

Encourage me when I fail.

Praise me when I triumph.

I’m not planning on making any crazy goals, like “lose 50 pounds by summer.” But, if that does happen, I won’t be upset. I just want to get to a healthy weight, no matter how long it takes me to get there.  I will be outlining my goals in a future post.

So that’s it. I’m committing to losing it without losing me, will you commit to holding me accountable?